Graduate school is what you make of it . . . right?

A couple of rotation students came through the lab a few weeks ago, just to gauge whether they'd like to put us on their list of possibilities. They spent about a half-hour with each of us, during which I was forced to ruminate, however briefly, on both the state of my research and my experiences in the lab.

I articulated to them that some of my graduate school angst stems from the system. Namely, I find myself with serious difficulty navigating the boundary between being too independent and not independent enough. My ideal situation would be one where I could freely be an idiot with my professor and committee members (and I'm sure I often am anyway), but I find myself limited out of fear because I don't want be a total pain in the ass. It's funny, here I thought I'd gotten over my bashfulness about looking stupid during college. I guess some things are deeply rooted.

I feel like there's a sink or swim mentality to my institution, and probably graduate school in general, and it's entirely up to me to carve my own niche in the cliffs of academia. Over the long term, I suppose feel like I'm gaining more confidence in myself and my abilities, and learning how to chill-out, but in the short-term I feel unsupported and unsure. It's an excruciating process in the day-to-day, and I feel like there must be a better way to earn my chops . . . but maybe there isn't?

Time, I suppose, will tell.